My First “Real” Self Portrait in at Least Five Years
Well, hello :)
When I got my start as a portrait photographer in 2005, it was largely due to the fact that my self portraits were popular on sites like deviantART and MySpace. My online alias was ‘Ursylla’ back then. I actually remember being terrified to reveal my actual identity, but also had an affinity for staying as mysterious as possible in real life, too.
I never really wanted to be a portrait photographer, or I guess it was more that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with photography. Portrait photography seemed more attainable than other avenues, even though I spent the vast majority of my time editing and making photo manipulations post-session. I was 25 then.
Here I am at the age of 42 just now realizing how I want to use my insane sea of hundreds of thousands of photos (and counting). Thankfully, stock photographers exist in the world to help me out, because I’ve taken on an obsession with mixed media illustrations where I often begin with photographs and weave in drawing, and digital painting.
But let’s not leave out the fact that I also write. A lot. So what the heck, and how do I make this work? I’ve wondered that for years, and now I’ve retired from portrait photography for good as of two years ago. Kind of.
I still plan on making images that I can use in illustrations, for book covers, etc. Other than that, I do not consider myself “a photographer.” Artist titles can get tricky these days because there is so much technological overlap. So I’ve landed on “mixed media illustrator.” I like it. It fits.
At the core of my soul, I’m a writer. I see stories in everything, I write poetry ongoing, and have since I was pretty young... probably 10 years old. And I love everything I’m doing. I don’t think art has limitations unless you put those limitations onto yourself, however I think practicing consistently helps you refine what it is you’re actually creating. You have to hate what you’re creating once in awhile. You have to be confused and wonder why you can’t stop making things even though you have no idea what you’re trying to do.
One day it clicks, and you just know. This happened to me recently. So I’m going to keep going and make whatever I want to. Whatever comes to me. You can only reach that conclusion if you’re making things you really hate... because that’s a sign you’re practicing. You’ll figure out what doesn’t fit and start leaning into what does. I promise you.
I had been wanting to make a self portrait for at least 2 years. Maybe longer. But the photos weren’t satisfying to me. Last fall I started making theme every day for a few weeks, but I couldn’t bring myself to post them. Last week I realized why. I want to turn them into something more... something less photograph and more dream. So this is my first attempt at REALLY, really making something I wanted to.
